What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He kissed a someone with a penis
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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