I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
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Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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