me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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