We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize