I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
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Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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