We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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