I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
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The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
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Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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