Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He passed out mid-signature
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I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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