so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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