I accidentally burped into my bong.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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