im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
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i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
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I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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