if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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