Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
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I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
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I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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