Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
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Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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