Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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