my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
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I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
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I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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