Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
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I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
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She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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