dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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