I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize