Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
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got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
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Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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