Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
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I was the one passing out cake at the bars
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
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I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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