If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
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complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
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They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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