trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
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Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
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He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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