My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize