I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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