I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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