i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
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And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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