last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
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I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
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Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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