I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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