even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
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It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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