I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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