Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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