1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
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Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
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I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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