you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
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At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
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I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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