I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
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He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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