Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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