My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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