tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
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Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
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We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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