Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
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Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
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Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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