Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
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Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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