Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
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We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
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I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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