The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize