i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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