Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize