plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
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She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
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You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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