I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
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Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
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I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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