Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
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I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize