Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
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The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
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I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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