I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
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We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
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Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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