i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
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Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
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Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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