K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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